I have not written much in this space lately.

Whether because of lack of anything important to say or just being downright busy all the time, I’m not really sure.

Either way, I was recently thinking how a blog provides skewed insight into a persona (in this case, mine). In so many cases, we human beings attempt to encapsulate the objects of our attention into manageable, discrete packages, such that we might better understand said objects. Too often though, we fall into the trap of over-simplifying an idea, a thing, or worse, a person.

While weblogs are supposed to allow anybody to publish his or her thoughts to the world at large (or anybody willing to Google your name), the medium necessarily encapsulates only one part of its author: that which he is willing to share. No more than I do not shout from the roof tops my most personal of phantasmagoria, this space does not transmit that which I would not otherwise share with complete strangers out browsing the tubes. Each author finds the appropriate balance with which he or she is comfortable, and I believe I have found mine. In the larger sense, though, this purposeful subset may inadvertently steer you, dear readers, into the false notion that all you discover here is me.

Please know that it is not.

With that said (or unsaid), enjoy my Music of the Day.

Helium Vola – Du Bist Min

Du bist min
Ih bin din
Des solt du gewis sin
Du bist beslossen
In minem herzen
Verlorn ist daz sluzzelin
Du muost auch immer darinne sin

==English Translation==

You are mine
I am yours
This you can be assured
I have locked you
In my heart
And thrown away the key
So you must always stay inside

Current Mood: tearful

Related posts:

1. Dazkarieh – Caminhos Turvos
2. Haggard – In a Full Moon Procession

Following the nice tip i was given here , here is the transcript of my email to the FDA (just 1 email for now, but i got many email addresses, so let’s say i will “be a regular” on this subject):

__________________________________________________________

On Apr 11, 2009, at 5:00 PM, Pedro B. wrote:

To whom it may concern: (should be you, but i wonder)

I am diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

It has come to my attention that my own stem cells are considered by you as drugs.

Dear sirs, let’s be real, i am not a walking, living, breathing drug fountain. I am, however, a drug RECIPIENT of all the medicine needed to delay the advance of my disease.

Every single MS sufferer (and everyone else, i’m sure) should be happy with the opportunity of having access to safe stem cell therapy using each one’s own adult stem cells.

I urge you to see the dramatic implications of considering a possible way to find a cure as “a drug”.

The ASCTA and their efforts to establish safe practice guidelines on stem cell research provide the MS sufferers with hope. We don’t get many “doses” of hope lately. What we get is needles, injections, and medicine that only delays the condition.

PLEASE do NOT reject our hopes of a cure with your obscure deals with moneymaking-only-concerned pharmaceuticals.

This matter concerns everyone. I mean everyone as in, worldwide, and not only the ones who have this condition, but -everyone-.

Every single human being.

Regards,

your local MS sufferer,

PmB

Current Mood: Annoyed & determined & hot & shocked

Related posts:

1. Multiple Sclerosis Patient Finds Hope Through Stem Cell Treatment
2. Adult Cell Self-Renewal Without Stem Cells? Yay!
3. Recipe created for turning skin cells into stem cell lookalikes

In a time where the number of portuguese who can’t spell on their own native language grows by the second – something that makes me want to puke several times a day, Dazkarieh – whose new album will be launched in 2 days – provided me some immensely pleasant lyrics, which were a joy to listen to and write down.

A nice surprise indeed. (and, as a bonus, the girl is cute )

Note: Video is HD and has enough quality to be seen in full-screen. Just press the ><

Caminhando vi luz que embala
Sentir que escapa ao olhar

Forte percorri nova estrada
em trilhos por semear

Querer dominar destino oculto
Momento por decifrar
Vida que adormece, em longo luto
Quimeras por alcançar

Querer agarrar ondas de loucura
Num momento sem pensar
Ilusão de mais de longe perdura
Mão que urge curar

Voz que entoa paz profunda
Clama em se descobrir
Grita pra revelar segredos a perseguir

Teias que tecem tons escuros
Para me aprisionar
Grito pra libertar demónios
Livre pensar

Despertando um sol que emane
Luz no meu jardim
Sentinela nua e crua
Chama por mim

Libertando amarra turva
De um silêncio tal
Emergir pra sempre duma sombra infernal

Vir de um sono profundo
O mundo agarrar
Querer desvendar futuro
Duvidar

Caminhando vi luz que embala
Sentir que escapa ao olhar
Forte percorri mar que leva a trilhos por semear

Caminhando vi luz que embala
Sentir que escapa ao olhar
Mapa onde encontrei cor divina
De prantos a sussurrar.

Current Mood: surprised

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Looking at snow is SO much more pleasant than being IN the snow…

[View with PicLens]

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As the evening breaks
The night awakes
And the land is mournfully wrapped in silence
Sorrow last
And remains the past
cause this will be my ending day

Then the moonlight dies
And torches rise
See the crowd longing for the ritual burning
Holy rimes, as the churchbells chime
cause this will be my ending day

Silent thief
Take me away
Let my soul rest in the realm of fairytales
And as the fire enlightens the dark
I see the face bewildered with guilt
An nobody’s speaking a word

And the dark night enters

See the soul that’s coming out of darkness into light
Pictures, I can’t fight
Appearing in front of my eyes
Like silhouettes in the night

Like they give bread to the beggars
They get ready for the feast
Cruelty absorbed by their eyes
Within this midwinters breeze

And the dark night enters

Related posts:

1. Hmmm.

Yes, the time has come for another design change. At the light of recent events, i felt it was justified. And needed.
Enough with the intro, on with the ramblings.

On the 5th of February 2009, i decided to add another tattoo on my left arm. Not too big, just to finish the ‘picture’ of what i wanted since the beginning.
This is the original draft: (all thumbnails on this page are clickable to show the full image)

And this is the result (click):

[View with PicLens]

Dragon1 - Day 1

Dragon1 - Day 4

Dragon1 - Day 4-2

After 2 1/2 weeks, the dragon is almost fully healed now.
The pain was absolutely bearable. Much less than the first time. I was reading RSS Feeds on my Blackberry on the 90 minutes it took.
No, i’m not playing a hero, it DID hurt. But i guess my last year allowed me to extend my pain endurance.
Or so i thought.

For some time, i have been wondering on what IS my limit of taking pain.
Not in a sense of relentless masochism, but in the sense of “how much can i take”, or “can i do this and take it”.
It is pretty obvious this has emerged from all the shit i’ve been taking because of my MS. I felt the need to know my limits.
Because, honestly, i never did, and i do not think many people do, until they are tested.

So, instead of waiting for a piano to fall on my head to see if i could take it, i decided to do it upon myself.
And so, a previously abandoned idea (yes, i chickened out every time i thought about it) was reborn.

I had the idea of a dragon tattooed in my back for some time. But i never believed i could take the pain.
But on the 19th of February 2009, another Dragon was born.
It took 4 hours and a half.
Gory details? Oh yes.

- 5 (or 6? forgot) blood pressure drops. I had to go out to have a coffee once, to raise the pulse.
- It was impossible to either listen to music or read RSS Feeds this time.
- I did not cry, but was very close to it.
- Multiple (lost count) 30 second breaks to breathe and regain consciousness (i nearly fainted half a dozen times).
- I thought about wimping out, running away (hah, as if i could run) and giving up.
- Screams. Oh yes, many.
- I bit and scratched myself, the chair and everything i could touch.

Cristian was funny as hell. But extremely professional.
He insulted me a zillion times calling me a chicken (and much worse), but every time i looked at the half-done work in the mirror, i cringed my teeth and found the strength to sit down again.

My resistance to pain was completely gone. I was beyond pain. I feel i’ve been to hell and came back.
I was sweating from trying to resist the pain. I couldn’t relax my muscles, and that brought even more pain.
I felt dizzy, not understanding how some people say “it does not hurt that much”. Lucky bastards. Or huge liars.

And so, after 270 minutes that seemed like 2700, he said “Done. See if you like it”.

Hell, i do like it.
Apart from being a “i did it”, it’s friggin’ beautiful.
I had given Cristian an ugly draft of what i wanted. Basically, it was only the concept, but the drawing was ugly.
He caught what i wanted perfectly, and turned my idea into what i really wanted it to be (click):

[View with PicLens]

Day 1

Day 3

My back still hurts immensely.
Putting the tattoo cream is an adventure, and on the first night, while i slept, my t-shirt got completely glued to the ink on my back and in the morning, i could not take it off.
I had to phone Cristian and ask for the right procedure to get rid of the damn t-shirt. (had to shower with it until it broke loose of the ink).

In a couple of places, even my bones are sore. I don’t have a lot of fat, so the tattoo hurt the bones.
But i did it.
This has strengthened me immensely.
I do not feel i can do anything, i still respect what is pain and hurts me (even more than before), but i got much closer to MY reality, to my inner me.
To who i am. To my limits.

I can not say i agree with the “pain makes one feel alive” motto, but the fact is, having decided to do this and managing through it, it did make me feel more alive.
Not because “i can take pain”, but because regarding SOME things, i am still in control.

Halfway through the tattoo, i knew my objective was reached.
Will i make more tattoos in the future? No, i don’t think so.

Not because of the pain. But because i reached a personal journey’s end.

And some paths are not meant to be walked more than once.

Current Mood: determined

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